Top 5 Reasons it Sucks to Be A Drummer (From Experience)

So your in high school and you and your buddies have the sick idea of making a rock band.  However, non of you have what you would call skill in any instrument which of course means you get to call shotty on whatever you think is the most bad ass.  The first choice is usually guitar.  Then after if you have the confidence it is vocals, then bass and of course drums.  The good points about drumming is that you get into the groove and are the drive of the band and you are generally respected in the realm of musicians and thats all you need right?  I mean who cares what the general population thinks, as long as you can lock in and feel the beat.  Well this is all fine and dandy however there are a few words of wisdom that I would like to say before making this step.



1. Setup/Travel
  So you started a band and your the drummer and guess what!?  You just got your first gig!  What great news.  So all of your band mates grab their guitars, patch cords and the occasional amp, and then you grab your kick drum, crash, high-hats, toms, stands, throne, ride, and all of the hardware which is a little bit more than you can carry.  This means you have the pleasure of being the token driver which includes all of the gas money and headaches involved.  But hey, its fine because your here and all you need to do is set up.  The guitar player plugs in his amp and tunes, same for the bass and the singer chills at the bar watching you trudge through the crowd apologizing for bumping into some fine biddies with your stick....Also something more related with drums.  The next 10-15 mins are spent setting up while the sound guy talks about his glory days when he partied with some semi popular band from the 80's.  So here we are, your first real show.  You grab a brew to cool the nerves and you count in for your first song.

2. Screwing up matters
  1, 2, 3, 4.....Shit what song are we playing?  Oh ya, I forgot to mention that while you are setting up, the rest of the band was going through the set list and making small changes to some songs leaving you feeling like a lost kitten in the sadness mines of your soul.  But its cool because you have enough skill to bullshit it for a few seconds till you remember what you should be doing.  Everything is feeling good.  The groove is locked in and everything seems cool then all of the sudden you forget about the small tweak to the song you were never informed about.  Why in gods name did the time signature change?  Who knows, but here you are playing completely off time like a very large tool.  It is common that when mistakes are made during a set such as a guitar player stopping, or playing off key occurs that the majority of the populous have no idea anything happened, but for drums what with the natural human condition to "head nod" people notice when their heads are not nodding properly.  You look to the crowd and see a sea of faces and 3 asses staring you down.  What do you do?  The answer is to do some ridiculously loud, fast and complicated fill in hopes to drown out all other sounds to a) signify to your band that you have no idea what you are doing and b) blame it on the sound after the show.  So you do the fill and get back into it and you are feeling good so now it is time to go wild!

3. Lack of Energy
  You look into the crowd and 3 asses in front of you and everyone is jumping to your music and you feel nothing short of a boss.  Your band starts to give high fives to the crowd and jump across the stage having the time of their lives, and now its time for you to join in with the more epic box social of your life....but you have to stay within the confines of your seat.  Welcome to the friend zone of music.

So close yet so very far away

Now of course there are always exceptions ,

But you know what?  You know your still part of the music and if you were to stop playing, all the energy would die along with you and you know the people respect that.  The show ends and the crowd goes wild as you step off stage.  Congratulations on completing your first show, and other than that screw up in the beginning it went pretty good!  It is now time to go meet with your adoring public.

4. Recognition
  Your super pumped to be done and for all of the stress and fear it was well worth it.  As you and your band emerge into the crowd you see the fans start to line up to say how much they liked your show.  The women come in hordes but you stay cool being the big time drummer you are.  All of the sudden a cute fangirl comes up to you.  Chill man, you are the musician and you are the boss and she came to you and its your time to shine.  You act all nonchalant pretending that you dont notice her and she finally says to you.  "Oh my gawd, wasn't that band great!  The lead singer is so hot!".  The sad realization dawns on you that happens to all drummers at some point.  This bitch has no idea who you are.  But hey! Look on the bright side.  Even though you had your little screw up nobody noticed!  As the sadness sweeps through your body like the prostate exam of your ego you lumber your ass back to your drums to start the tare down for the next band.  This is when you realize that some bastard stole one of your cymbals (True Story).

5. Expense
  As you frantically look for that sweet Zildjian ride fabricated by the gods themselves using angel meat and the hair of a Centaur (gives that warm sound) your guitarist runs up to you.  "Dude, I totally broke a string and now I have to spend 5 bucks to replace that shit man."  Once again looking on the bright side, at least you dont have to haul that $400 cymbal back home!

  So your first show wasn't what you expected and thats understandable, but at least the people dig the BAND right?  Not to mention for once you aren't alone on a Friday playing WoW or spending tireless hours fapp.......?  So the night has ended and you and your band convene to talk about the show.  Pats on the backs are given and critiques on individual faults occur.  A group of 3 biddies comes out, looks at the guaitarist, bassist and singer and say "You ready to hit up this party?"  Nods are given and they walk away.


See you at band practice.

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Top 5 Random Unsung Human Traits

 We all have little things that we can do that seem so common and natural that they are hard to put into words.  You assume everyone can do them until you try to explain your unique skill to your friends and all you get is a dumbstruck look and the occasional eye roll.  I like to call these unsung human traits.  I'm certain not everyone who reads this will understand all of them, however those who do will have an "Oh yaaaa!" moment.  I hope you enjoy.

# 5: Eye Floaters (Squiggly Line)

Eye floater simulation (Wikipedia)

  I thought that I would start off with something that is familiar to most of us and that is Eye Floaters.  You probably know these as the little clear squiggly lines that appear in your eye once in a while and when you try to look at it they seem to run away!  This little unsung trait has its reaches into pop culture as well, such as Family Guy which has parodied it not once...but TWICE (See Below)

Go to about 0:40 for a brilliant description of the Floater

Well, what exactly are they?  According to wikipedia "Floaters are deposits of various size, shape, consistency, refractive index, and motility within the eye's vitreous humour, which is normally transparent."  So basically they live in the thick fluid of your eye which is why they tend to run away when you look at them.  They are a sign of degeneration of the eye and apparently persist in our vision forever, however I have had many and I don't see them still.  You may ask why you notice this and not, say that speck of dust on your glasses or contacts.  That's because the floaters are always moving so your brain is not able to focus them out as they do for your dirty glasses.  So the next time you see a little floater friend, say hello.....forever.




# 4: Tensor Tympani (Voluntary Low Rumble in Ear)
  This one is for sure not as common as eye floaters and the only way to describe it is a voluntary low rumble in the ear.  I spent a lot of time looking for this one and whenever I asked anyone about it I got the "look".  So to begin with lets look at a complex uninformative picture (see Fig. Pointless).

Fig. Pointless: Some ridiculous bullshit

The Tensor Tympani is a muscle that resides in your ear and is primarily used to dampen the noises of chewing.  This muscle will tense up and reduce the amplitude of noise coming from your dirty mouth.  If you wish to get a feel for this sound, I find the best way is to tense up your jaw and open and close your mouth slowly and listen for a quiet low sound or rumble.  It sounds kind of like rumbling thunder in the distance.  This occurs when using your jaw, but for a lucky few (like me), we can voluntarily control this muscle to produce that low rumble! NEAT!... and pointless.  This skill is documented and has been measured to have a vibration at anywhere from 30-70 Hz (Vibrations per Second).  To get an idea of this sound you can Listen here. The real sound is way more muffled.

# 3: Gleeking
  This skill is much more useful than the previous two.  Essentially people than can "Gleek" can work at Jurassic Park as one of those spitting lizards. 

File Photo: Jerry would approve and so should you.

Gleeking is the voluntary act of compressing your tongue in such a way that you can forcefully excrete saliva from the gland under the tongue.

Do it.

When someone is skilled in the act they may aim it and send a stream of juicy spit up to 3 feet away.  So of course what does this amazing skill look like?  See below.

Now thats a whole new type of skeet skeet.  Just imagine all of the amazing things you can do with it.... ಠ_ಠ


# 2: Weak Morning Hands
  When I say weak morning hands I mean just that.  If you have ever gotten up from a slumber, walked to the kitchen to get some coffee and find that you are unable to grasp the cup then you know what I am talking about.  The effect seems to last only 10-60 minutes after waking but can be a pain to deal with when you have things to do.  Some people get this and some people don't.  I know of one famous artist that has this problem:

Ai Weiwei 10, 11 and 11.5 seconds after waking up and trying to look at his favorite urn

After some searching it seems like the general consensus that the cause of the weak morning hands is pinching a nerve while sleeping.  By lying in a certain position for hours on end you imagine that things would get a little numb, which is why it feels a little like pins and needles.  It seems like a fairly common trend however for some it is worse than others.  At least now when you have butter fingers you know what you can blame it on.


# 1: Phantom Vibrations
  This last one happens to me all of the time and apparently happens to a lot of people.  Have you ever felt your pocket vibrate and reached for your phone just to find that there was no call at all.  Have you ever thought for sure that you heard your phone go off but it didn't?  These are called phantom vibrations or more syntactically correct sensory hallucinations.  The reason they come about is because in this day and age we are always on some level expecting the next call or text and our brain associates the environment around it with what you expect and in some cases it is your phone.  This is much like being in the woods expecting snakes, now every stick you see looks like its moving.  Also, don't think about Elephants.  A really nice interview with the only known person to publish this effect is given below courtesy of Scienceline.


Is that my phone ringing? by Scienceline


If you happen to have any traits or if any of the above happens to you, leave a comment and tell us about it!  Maybe we can find enough to make a part 2.


-theuglybanana

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